Small Weddings and Big Feelings

I haven’t written anything in quite a while. This fact has been brought to my attention by several incredible friends. I am wildly appreciative of the people who say “Hey, you haven’t written anything lately. Write something.” Because I know they aren’t doing this because they’re bored and need something to read. Lawd knows there is an endless number of buzz feed articles about cats to keep us all entertained. They encourage and poke me because they know that writing is in my soul. And when something is in your soul, you need to do it. You need to connect with it. I need to work through all my feels with a keyboard and my friends know that. Therefore, thanks for the texts and facebook comments and the shoulder squeezes.

The reason I haven’t written in quite some time is because I’ve been having a hard time breathing lately. Metaphorically.

Reason number one that I haven’t been able to breathe: I was unemployed for the month of January. If you haven’t been unemployed before, it’s a lot of fun. You sit around waiting for friends who have jobs to get home, you try to find errands and outings to fill your time with, except you have no income coming into your dwindling bank account so there really isn’t much room for this, you submit application after application after application and make awkward phone calls to supervisors and associates who don’t care about hiring you, and if you’re like me, you watch the entire collection of “Friends” (which was conveniently uploaded to Netflix the week my place of work closed) and pretend to laugh when your roommates comment, “Watching Netflix AGAIN?!?!” when they arrive home from their jobs. It’s a riot. Except that it’s actually the worst. I’m very thankful that this period lasted only one month, as I know that many brave souls have had to endure the terrible unemployment season far longer than that. At the end of January God did something really cool and opened up a door for me at a particular non-profit that I had actually applied at months earlier when I had no idea the job I currently had would be ending. They hired me within a week. Thanks, God. Even though it’s been nearly 3 months, I still feel very “new”. I’m learning new things every day because there are so many different issues that can arise. And feeling on your toes 24/7 is exhausting.

Reason number two that I haven’t been able to breathe: Ya’ll, so many things are happening. Friends are getting married, friends are having babies (LITTLE ORANGE SEED IS HERE! If you remember, I wrote a letter to my favorite friend’s sweet baby-girl-to-be, who I call “little orange seed” because that’s how big she was when her sweet momma told me she was coming. Now she is here and beautiful and dainty and taking up space in a world that is so lucky to have her). Friends are getting promotions and writing books and creating things that blow me away. I’ve never had so many parties to go to and reasons to smile.

Reason number three that I haven’t been able to breathe: Reason number three is my favorite reason. On March 14, my sweet Timothy asked me to become his wife. There were tears. And all the feelings. Screen Shot 2015-04-29 at 4.16.32 PM

As we started planning, everything came together surprisingly quickly. I found my dress (THE DRESS) on my first day looking, we had already known we wanted to get married at our church, and we knew that our budget was teeny tiny so making a guest list was easy. Easy in that we weren’t able to invite many people and didn’t have a lot of slots to fill, AWFUL FOR THE SAME REASON BECAUSE I LOVE SO MANY PEOPLE AND I WANT ALL OF YOU TO BE ABLE TO COME. As everything was getting decided within those first couple weeks of being engaged, we realized we didn’t need a long engagement. Nor did we want one because we are two anxious love struck Christians and let me tell you about love struck christians.. they have short engagements. But while all the big things had already been figured out, suddenly a million and three medium and small things came rushing to the top of our To Do Lists. You guys, planning a wedding is exhausting. Because it’s not just the wedding. Its the wedding, but it’s also finding a home and signing leases and setting up the rehearsal dinner and moving and registering (which yeah, is really fun) and figuring out how to get internet set up and reading about different bank accounts and doing engagement pictures and having doctor appointments and having confusing phone calls with printers and SO MANY OTHER THINGS. And I am not complaining about being engaged. I am ecstatic to be marrying Timothy. I wouldn’t trade this stress for anything. But it’s still a stress and it can still be stifling.

During the process of planning, we have decided to forgo many traditional wedding-y things. We are not having a bridal party. People are not watching us cut our cake. Guests aren’t getting favors (sorry not sorry). One reason for this is because, as I said, our budget is small. I mean, SMALL. And honestly, we couldn’t care less and that’s only because of the way God has worked in our hearts.

The bigger reason is pretty simple too: my path to Timothy was really hard. It involved tremendous heartbreak and entire summers spent crying myself to sleep. My “search for love” brought me my biggest scars and lowest moments. In fact, when I met Timothy I was a broken vessel. That’s why falling in love with him wasn’t sparks! and fireworks! and whirlwinds! It was a sigh of relief and the feeling of home. I am humbled to be with Timothy. I am overwhelmingly thankful. My God let me endure terrible things while waiting for Timothy, things that even caused me to doubt His goodness. Standing on the other side, I can see the ways that he was preparing me. God used those things to shape me into the person I needed to be before meeting Timothy. Because of this: because of the incredibly bumpy and painful road that I treaded to find him, I want our day to be the same sigh of relief that meeting him was. I don’t want it to be Timothy and I going through the motions of a wedding. I don’t want it to be a day that is designed to impress our guests. I want it to be he and I, standing in the church that changed my life, holding hands with tears in our eyes and experiencing something holy. I want to hug the friends who helped carry me to this place (oh, so many friends helped carry me with their words and embraces), I want to dance with my husband (my heart still speeds up a little whenever I say that), and I want to eat a taco (yep, tacos, because we are who we are).

I’m so excited for our day. I’m thankful to my Father who brought me to Timothy and who has helped he and I both to remain focused on what truly matters on that special day. I’m thankful for the ways both of our families have already helped us and for all the friends who are going to be called up to help with wedding crafts (ya’ll better get your crafting scissors ready..). I’m particularly and overwhelmingly thankful for the friends who have shared my joy even though they have their own painful things on their plates. You all have been a living, breathing picture of community.

And with that, I have to go call up our caterer because the list doesn’t end.

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