When You Feel Like a Loser.

Dear friend,

     Some days you’re going to feel like a loser. A big pile of crap. Defeated. Like life is kicking your butt and laughing all the while. This isn’t news to you, you’ve had those days. Those awful days. Those days when the only thing in the world that doesn’t sound too overwhelming or exhausting is going to bed and staying there for the rest of your life. A hideaway. From the mean world and all the mean people in it.

      Can I tell you something, friend? Today was one of those days for me. Today I felt like an absolute loser. My female body was betraying me in a way only half the population can understand and that, in and of itself, is enough to make me throw my hands up in surrender. I genuinely do not feel like I’m being dramatic when I suggest that women should be allowed to stay in bed when feeling the pangs of womanhood (to put it nicely, I guess). That, or everyone they encounter should have to just shut up unless they’re saying nice things. I’d be okay with either. Though I’d prefer bed. But sadly, we don’t live in this utopia where life and all it’s trickery gives women a pass once a month. Where life pats us ever so gently and says softly, “hey. sorry. you’re a champ. look, I put the newest season of downton abbey on netflix.” Instead, while our bodies rage a war like you’ve never seen against itself, the outside world continues ragging as well.

     I made a lot of mistakes at work today because I’m still new and I still just.. don’t know anything. There’s so many things I need to understand well but I still only have a firm grasp on the teeniest little percentage. Obviously you have to learn things when you start a new job you’ve never done before – no one would expect you to be an expert your second day.

    And yet, everyone wishes you were. I think they know that there’s no way you could be completely independent and proactive and successful immediately, but I find that so so quickly bosses and coworkers and life starts getting frustrated with your newness. Maybe not in all instances, maybe you had the best transition into a new job of all time and you’re awesome at it now because you were given space and time to get awesome at it. That sounds cool. That also sounds like that made up utopia I mentioned earlier. For me, I can tell everyone is ready for me to know things. But I don’t.  

     All day I could hear my peers yelling at me telepathically: “I KNOW YOU STUDIED ART AND THEN PLAYED WITH KIDS FOR A MILLION YEARS SO THERE IS NO WAY YOU WOULD KNOW ABOUT DATABASES AND THE NAME OF ALL 85 OF OUR EMPLOYEES BUT YOU SHOULD ABSOLUTELY KNOW THIS.”

     And that made me feel like a loser. 

     So did lots of other things that happened today because once you already enter into this “Loserdom”, it’s so easy to get pushed deeper and deeper into it. Your boss critiques your work? You spill lunch on yourself? You stammer like an idiot trying to defend something you know you did correctly? A million times worse when grouped together. 

     My nature is quiet. I am a woman of meekness, caution, sensitivity, and a myriad of things that have been painted negatively. Things that have been treated as synonyms for weakness. Treated as if they only belong to complementarian women who want to be servants to their husbands. But I’m thankful the Lord made me this way because I have found there to be strength in gentleness and power in sensitivity. A fierce, useful power. But even though I feel so strongly for these characteristics that are in no way girly or weak no matter what you’ve heard, I still can be made to feel like a “less than” for being the way that I am.

     Less. What a terrible defeating word.

     I left work, called my mom, cried a lot, and got straight into bed. Because I couldn’t think of a single thing more worth my time. You know what I’m talking about. Though, I’m sorry that you do. I’m sorry that you have, undoubtably, been made to feel like an idiot or a loser by other human beings. I know you’ve been made to feel less.

     But tonight, friend, lets remind each other of what our God says about us. As Sunday School-ish as it’ll feel, let’s think of ourselves the way He thinks of us. Let’s allow the only one who will never call us less to tell us who we are. Instead of less, God calls us righteous and beloved and delightful and new and noble and lovely and loved everlastingly and His and accepted and chosen. God called us “treasure” way way way before Bruno Mars ever did. The Spirit is in us and it is never lacking.

     On those days you feel like a loser, know you have my heart. But more than that, know you have the affections of the King who looks at you and sees the perfect work of his son, not your shortcomings.

Your friend,

        Kathryn

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2 thoughts on “When You Feel Like a Loser.

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