I am an above average passive person. I don’t take strong stances in politics, current events, American Idol, the Superbowl, or the cat vs. dog debate. Sometimes it’s because I don’t understand enough to form a solid opinion (lookin’ at you, anything that happens on CNN), sometimes I just don’t care (any sport of all time), and sometimes I don’t want to step on other people’s toes. Being passive it’s easy. Which makes sense because it’s very similar to being lazy, which is the easiest thing of all time. In fact, being passive is 100% easier than having an opinion of every little thing. I know people who have opinions on every little thing and first of all… ugh. Second of all I am positive they are exhausted all. of. the. time.
There are a few things that have escaped my passivity, however, and instead found their way into a zone of “die hard dedication”. It seems there isn’t much of a middle ground, just indifference and then lunacy. I have very strong (perhaps irrational) opinions about the direction toilet paper should go in the bathroom (over, you fool), which of Rory Gilmore’s boyfriends was actually the best match for her (if you dare suggest Dean or Logan I will scream), and, of course, which grocery store chain is obviously the best in existence. I give you: Publix.
Like a good Floridian, I grew up loving Publix. I was raised with strong values and taught to appreciate this more-than-just-a-market at a very young age. I have fond memories of running errands with my mom, getting a free sprinkle cookie in the bakery just for bein’ a kid, and grabbing some chicken tenders that were just so good we’d eat them as soon as we’d get in the car instead of waiting till we arrived home.
We had a really long and happy relationship together. We got lucky, Publix and I. Over 20 years of blissful grocery shopping together.
Then something tragic happened.
Tragedy and love go hand in hand all too often. In The Notebook, Allie didn’t get Noah’s letters. Maria and Tony’s love in West Side Story was no match for the bad blood between rival gangs. And of course poor, sweet, beautiful Jack Dawson turns into a human popsicle before he and Rose can spend the rest of their lives together riding horses. For Publix and I? I moved to Memphis.
I’ll never forget the day I first stepped foot inside a Kroger. You can’t forget heartbreak that big – that real. Everything was so… blue. And dirty. And wrong. “Yeah but Kroger is really cheap!” you may say, but you know what? Kroger makes me feel really cheap.
WHY PUBLIX IS BETTER THAN KROGER :
Then you have Kroger which is just like.. what is happening. I can’t even with that font choice and the weird swoosh coming from the “K” and “g”. And nice try, but I’m not fooled into thinking your logo is three dimensional so you can cool it with that fake sheen and glisten. And is that tag line done in “Impact”? What is that, windows 95 clip art status? Stop.
Next there’s the fact that in order to get sale prices at Kroger you have to have a Plus Card. Which means one more awful thing to take up room in your wallet or ruin the integrity of your key ring. Know what you need to take advantage of all of Publix’s wonderful sales? NOTHING. JUST PICK UP YOUR BEAUTIFUL BOGO’S AND DON’T WORRY ABOUT SWIPING ANY DUMB CARD.
(Kroger doesn’t even have BOGO’s. Can you imagine the horror?)
Even more important than logo choices, Publix is so clean. Outkast probably wrote “So Clean” about Publix because I’m just sayin, “ I’m just so fresh, so clean (So fresh and so clean clean) ” is the epitome of this sweet grocery store. And Kroger? Not so much ya’ll, not so much. Are there exceptions to this rule? Sure. I have been in a Kroger that didn’t make me feel like I needed to drench myself in hand sanitizer, but a clean Kroger is truly the exception and not the rule. Here is an actual photograph of the Publix I shopped at in Florida and the Kroger I shop at in Memphis:
Crazy, right? But that’s the reality.
The list goes on: Publix brand items are INCREDIBLE, Kroger brand is just.. not even. Publix employees are kind and wonderful and beautiful but Kroger cashiers are mad that they’re working somewhere so dirty and therefore they’re grumpy. Again, are there exceptions? Maybe. But I’ll tell you what, I have bagged my own groceries 90% of the time shopping at Kroger and that nonsense just wouldn’t fly at Publix.
Publix also has the most delicious subs in the entire world. Subway, Lenny’s, and whoever else are just playing for second because Publix has KILLED IT. Kroger doesn’t even make subs that I’ve ever seen, and that’s good. Because it’d be a waste of time. And taste like poop.
I hope you can hear the angels choir singing in this photo. They even make subs with their chicken tenders WHICH WILL BLOW YOUR MIND.
The only defense I’ve ever heard people try to give for Kroger is that it’s cheaper than Publix. But you know what? That’s not always true. Some items? Sure. All items? No way. Especially when you go off the weekly adds. And those BOGO’s really add up, ya’ll.
So let’s review: