Here’s a short list of things I think are prettier than an expertly executed “cat eye” look:
1. A baby’s laughter
2. The film Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
3. That’s it.
Because seriously, I think the cat eye is the prettiest make up trend or style or whatever you’d call it in the world. It’s just so petite, yet bold. So feminine yet saucy. Maybe it’s so beautiful in my mind because bombshells like Audrey Hepburn (my girl) and Adele rock the cat eye hardcore [ Sidenote: it annoyed me a lot when Adele first got famous because then when people learned that my middle name was, also, Adele they’d say “oh, like the singer?” which felt a little like having my thunder stolen. But I’m not so bitter that I can’t acknowledge she’s a babe with the voice of an angel ]. I know nothing about make up and honestly wear it only 14% of the time, so take my opinion with a gigantic grain of salt, but I say the cat eye look is the prettiest. So there.
Pinterest seems to agree. And the women who use Pinterest seem to agree. I know this because I have searched “cat eye” on Pinterest and found literally a zillion tutorials and pictures of this lovely liner. Tricks and tips and “three easy steps for the perfect cat eye” and how you haven’t lived until you’ve made your eyes look like the eyes of a furry domestic animal.
But here’s the thing. I’ve tried… so many of these. So many. And you know how many times I’ve actually left the house with eyeliner I was confident about? Maybe three. Three times, but you can be sure the lines were even zero of those times.
I know women who are masters at eyeliner. They just swoosh and look perfectly feline-tastic. It’s not an impossible thing to accomplish. Pinterest is full of tutorials because somehow, somewhere, women can keep their hands still enough to create the prettiest little wings. It is literally a mystery to me how this is possible, kind of like how some weirdo people can bake cookies without eating them. I just don’t get it. But I take comfort in the fact that these tutorials exist, because THAT MEANS I’m not the only woman who is incapable of understanding something as stupidly simple and, frankly, unimportant as eyeliner. There are obviously other women requesting these tricks and tips, hoping maybe the missing piece will finally be revealed to them. These women are my soul sisters.
I have attempted the cat eye so many hundreds of times, only to give up in frustration with a sink full of q-tips covered in eye liner and gigantic dark smudges on my temples. But I keep trying, so sure that having perfect wings will change my life. Until then,
THE CAT EYE, A NARRATIVE:
“Hm, I got ready faster than I thought I would this morning. Since I have time maybe I’ll try the cat eye. It’s been two days since I tried it last and absolutely nothing has happened since then that would possibly make me think I could accomplish this task.. so obviously this time it will be perfect.”
begins stretching eyelid farther than it should ever be stretched
lines the lid
“Yikes, that’s too thick.”
wipes off liner with q-tip
“I mean, that’s better I guess.”
already mildly defeated, extends liner beyond lid out into a wing, as a million tutorials have instructed
“Okay. This is good.”
begins to think this might be the magic morning when every things falls into place
begins thickening wing
“I look like Amy Winehouse. No. I can’t even.”
wipes off wing with another q-tip
realizes this probably won’t be the magical morning everything falls into place
attempts to duplicate the good-not-great right wing on the left eye
“So then, just gotta do the same thing on the left eye. I guess I just kinda.. twist my wrist..”
uses the a third q-tip to start over
creates a very sub par, acceptable cat eye wing
stands back and looks straight into the mirror
realizes one wing is aimed north east while the other is straight west
“Ugggggggggggggh this isn’t going to work.”
gets a fourth q-tip and wipes off the west facing wing
realizes all the extra time has since been used up
is now late
angrily wipes off liner from other eye
stomps out of bathroom.